What Is Patience Like From God's Side?

The Lord is not slow about his promise, as some think of slowness, but is patient with you, not wanting any to perish, but all to come to repentance.

The word patient calls to mind the times that I have been patient, or not. But today's Advent word was chosen from a verse about God's patience, not mine. What is patience like from God's side?

I had been sick for a long time. I would be for even longer. I didn't know it yet, but I was misdiagnosed and taking meds that were making me sicker.

During that sad sorry time, I wrote an essay titled I don't believe in God anymore.

I never believed that prayer works like some drive-thru window, where you hand over an affirmation of the creed and are handed back a healing in a brown paper bag. But sheesh, I'm a priest! Don't I deserve better than this? And yes, even as I wrote that complaint, I knew how silly it was.

The affirmations of the creed seemed pointless, and I stopped saying them. But my loss of faith was more fundamental. I lost that foundational trust that there was Anybody out there who had my back.

For most people depression is a feeling, a sadness. It's like, in your soul weariness you have to lean against a wall for support. In big D Depression, when Depression gets deep enough, you lean against the wall -- and it collapses.

That's where I was. I tried to lean against God, and the wall between me and the void collapsed.

So, I don't believe in God anymore.

Then something happened. I was hurt, betrayed, angry, resentful, my back turned, my heart empty. And it was okay. Whatever God is about, I knew that God isn't needy. God doesn't need me to perform, like the scientist waiting for the rat to master the maze before handing over the piece of kibble.

I don't know. I still don't know. This God stuff only makes sense to me as metaphor. The metaphor is a little more helpful to me now. So here is one:

I leaned into the patience of God. And that held.