Strengthen My Brain, One Step at a Time

 

It was at a NAMI meeting. The speaker was a doctor, formerly specializing in emergency medicine. He served in Iraq, where an IED, informal explosive device, exploded while he was caring for another soldier. It gave him a traumatic brain injury and ended his medical career. He described his cognitive difficulties and his slow recovery.

The lightbulb went on. I turned to my friend and said, "That's just what my brain feels like!"

I didn't run afoul with an IED. In my case it was depression and anxiety, a pile of kindling on which was poured the kerosene of six different antidepressants, igniting my unrecognized bipolar disorder. My brain blew up.

Always the smartest kid in class, I didn't recognize myself and what I called my "Swiss cheese brain," the memory gaps, the lack of attention and concentration, the "executive function" problems with judgment, planning, organizing, decision-making. My Doctor of Ministry thesis went down the drain. So did my job.

My friend had her own version of brain insult. She nodded. She repeated what the speaker said, that it could get better. She said, "Give it five years."

Five years! Five years to get my brain back!

Honestly, it has never returned to its original state. But recovery - yes, recovery happens, one step at a time, one healing regime established at a time. Early on, a lot of sleep and medications that tamed my anxious thoughts. Then a new brain-healthy diet, therapy, all sorts of therapy, walking, lots of walking, support groups, new friends who shared my struggles. Slowly I regained the capacity to read and write. I read about my disorder, first how to manage it, later the research about what it is.

When I started writing Prozac Monologues, it would take a week to come up with four paragraphs. That was over ten years ago. Finally, I published a book. Today I am writing the second book.

One step at a time. I can do all things through him who strengthens me, Paul wrote to the Philippians.

Well, I can't. I can't do all things. But I can do more than I ever imagined.